Missing him

I drove back home last night, later than I probably should. I didn't want to pay to toss and turn in a hotel bed. I wouldn't get more than a couple of winks if I planted myself in the hospital recliner. I really couldn't do much to make Iron Man feel any better. There were plenty of nurses who could do far more for him than I could at this point. So, I kissed him good night, held onto his hand a little longer than I should have and broke away to drive northward.

I was happy at the thought of sleeping in my own bed. I like our bed. It is big, comfortable, warm and snuggly. There is something about being under your own blankets with your head on that familiar squishy pillow that makes for a good night's sleep. I did the minimum bedtime prep just so I could lie down sooner. The thought of it all was pure bliss... the reality of it was that I missed HIM. I could smell his shampoo on his pillow. The scent of his cologne was tangled with the sheets. When I rolled over to face the middle of the bed, he wasn't there. He wasn't going to be there to hold me as we fell asleep. He wasn't going to be the first thing I saw when my eyes opened in the morning.

Now, you are probably waiting for Super Meltdown 3.0 to erupt but surprisingly, it didn't. I took a few long, deep breaths. I repeated, "Lord, I am giving you control of this moment. Thank you for blessing my life with him." There was a calmness that came over my anxious heart. It was like the Lord wrapped His arms around me as I settled down to sleep. He was comforting me as I realized Rich's absence. He took control of that moment... and the moments to follow as I finally slept.

I wish I could report that I slept solid until my alarm went off but that wasn't the case. I got some rest and I did feel better when I got up. I felt strange being in our house but it was also a comfort to be surrounded by the familiar. I missed HIM, though. That is what makes our house a home- the presence of the people we love. Our house is happier when it is filled with the laughter, the joking around, the soft sounds he makes as he moves from room to room. Those brushes of each other's shoulders when we pass in the hallway. The call of my name from a distant room when something is needed.

This experience has been and will continue to be a teaching one, an opportunity for growth.  The lessons I am learning through this surgery and recovery are serving as strengtheners for our relationship as well as my personal relationship with my Lord. As I watched Iron Man sleep earlier today, I felt my heart expanding with love for him. I don't think I understood that you can fall in love with someone over and over again. I understand now. And I am ever so thankful that the Lord knew how much I needed him.

OLW: Release- Today's Application of It

When 2013 began, I chose a word as part of Ali Edwards' "One Little Word" project. The word I selected to meditate on and use as point of reflection for this year is RELEASE. I have written a little about what this word means to me but it wasn't until today that I really saw it in action in my daily life.

After the past two extremely emotional days, I woke up in my hotel room after struggling to sleep through the night. Despite only a few fitful hours of sleep, I did feel considerably better. I woke up to a couple of inspiring, encouraging messages from dearly loved people (they know who they are). I cried a couple of happy tears as I read those, realizing how blessed I am to be surrounded by people who love me like that.

Those messages came with some good advice. I ruminated on those words as I sat with my morning cup of hotel coffee. Today is another day, a new day to begin fresh. Choices I make early on during these 24 hours can make it a good day or a bad day. I decided I wanted today to be a good one, a good one for me and a good one for Iron Man. I acknowledge that I am having a control problem- that is, I am trying to control how my life goes rather than having faith and giving that control over to the Lord. My mantra for today: Lord, I give you control of this moment. I figured why not start with baby steps? Iron Man is doing it in his recovery. It is just as applicable to my own recovery too. A moment to some might be considered small potatoes in the grand scheme of time but it can make a lifetime of difference as well. 

After grabbing hold of my large skim almond latte and slice of pumpkin bread, I took the brisk walk to the hospital. I found myself repeating my mantra over and over, with a sense of release each time. I felt a moment of peace, of calm to my trembling heart. By giving my fears, anxieties, burdens over to the Lord, I was releasing myself from the yolk of these heart-heavy burdens. 

Iron Man had a tough night (which I felt guilty for not being here with him but also realizing that the nurses are paid professionals that are there to care for him- my turn to care for him will come once we leave this place). We chatted while he ate some breakfast and when he fell back asleep, I hit the pavement. I decided that some fresh air, sunshine and exercise were what I needed. I put on my iPod and began to walk... and walk... and walk. No specific route, no intended destination. Deep breaths of crisp autumn air into my lungs and releasing all sorts of things as I breathed out. An hour later– and nearly 3 miles– I found my way back to the hospital. I felt more awake, more relaxed, better than I have felt all week. As I walked, my mantra played over and over in me... for everywhere I looked, I could see God. He called to me in the rustling of the leaves overhead. He was in the rays of sunshine that streamed out from the fluffy clouds above. I could smell His goodness in the crisp autumn air. I could feel Him touch my cheek through the cool wind. By recognizing His presence, I could feel more and more release. It felt good. It felt really good. It made me wonder why it is so hard for me to trust in His goodness and give control of each moment of my life to Him. Being human really sucks!

It is some hours later as I recount this. Iron Man is back asleep (today isn't going as well as we had hoped- he is still progressing but there have been some bumps in the recovery road). I am going to post this and then head back outside for yet another release walk. It is a VERY good day, in case you were wondering.