I drove back home last night, later than I probably should. I didn't want to pay to toss and turn in a hotel bed. I wouldn't get more than a couple of winks if I planted myself in the hospital recliner. I really couldn't do much to make Iron Man feel any better. There were plenty of nurses who could do far more for him than I could at this point. So, I kissed him good night, held onto his hand a little longer than I should have and broke away to drive northward.
I was happy at the thought of sleeping in my own bed. I like our bed. It is big, comfortable, warm and snuggly. There is something about being under your own blankets with your head on that familiar squishy pillow that makes for a good night's sleep. I did the minimum bedtime prep just so I could lie down sooner. The thought of it all was pure bliss... the reality of it was that I missed HIM. I could smell his shampoo on his pillow. The scent of his cologne was tangled with the sheets. When I rolled over to face the middle of the bed, he wasn't there. He wasn't going to be there to hold me as we fell asleep. He wasn't going to be the first thing I saw when my eyes opened in the morning.
Now, you are probably waiting for Super Meltdown 3.0 to erupt but surprisingly, it didn't. I took a few long, deep breaths. I repeated, "Lord, I am giving you control of this moment. Thank you for blessing my life with him." There was a calmness that came over my anxious heart. It was like the Lord wrapped His arms around me as I settled down to sleep. He was comforting me as I realized Rich's absence. He took control of that moment... and the moments to follow as I finally slept.
I wish I could report that I slept solid until my alarm went off but that wasn't the case. I got some rest and I did feel better when I got up. I felt strange being in our house but it was also a comfort to be surrounded by the familiar. I missed HIM, though. That is what makes our house a home- the presence of the people we love. Our house is happier when it is filled with the laughter, the joking around, the soft sounds he makes as he moves from room to room. Those brushes of each other's shoulders when we pass in the hallway. The call of my name from a distant room when something is needed.
This experience has been and will continue to be a teaching one, an opportunity for growth. The lessons I am learning through this surgery and recovery are serving as strengtheners for our relationship as well as my personal relationship with my Lord. As I watched Iron Man sleep earlier today, I felt my heart expanding with love for him. I don't think I understood that you can fall in love with someone over and over again. I understand now. And I am ever so thankful that the Lord knew how much I needed him.
11.07.2013
11.06.2013
OLW: Release- Today's Application of It
When 2013 began, I chose a word as part of Ali Edwards' "One Little Word" project. The word I selected to meditate on and use as point of reflection for this year is RELEASE. I have written a little about what this word means to me but it wasn't until today that I really saw it in action in my daily life.
After the past two extremely emotional days, I woke up in my hotel room after struggling to sleep through the night. Despite only a few fitful hours of sleep, I did feel considerably better. I woke up to a couple of inspiring, encouraging messages from dearly loved people (they know who they are). I cried a couple of happy tears as I read those, realizing how blessed I am to be surrounded by people who love me like that.
Those messages came with some good advice. I ruminated on those words as I sat with my morning cup of hotel coffee. Today is another day, a new day to begin fresh. Choices I make early on during these 24 hours can make it a good day or a bad day. I decided I wanted today to be a good one, a good one for me and a good one for Iron Man. I acknowledge that I am having a control problem- that is, I am trying to control how my life goes rather than having faith and giving that control over to the Lord. My mantra for today: Lord, I give you control of this moment. I figured why not start with baby steps? Iron Man is doing it in his recovery. It is just as applicable to my own recovery too. A moment to some might be considered small potatoes in the grand scheme of time but it can make a lifetime of difference as well.
After grabbing hold of my large skim almond latte and slice of pumpkin bread, I took the brisk walk to the hospital. I found myself repeating my mantra over and over, with a sense of release each time. I felt a moment of peace, of calm to my trembling heart. By giving my fears, anxieties, burdens over to the Lord, I was releasing myself from the yolk of these heart-heavy burdens.
Iron Man had a tough night (which I felt guilty for not being here with him but also realizing that the nurses are paid professionals that are there to care for him- my turn to care for him will come once we leave this place). We chatted while he ate some breakfast and when he fell back asleep, I hit the pavement. I decided that some fresh air, sunshine and exercise were what I needed. I put on my iPod and began to walk... and walk... and walk. No specific route, no intended destination. Deep breaths of crisp autumn air into my lungs and releasing all sorts of things as I breathed out. An hour later– and nearly 3 miles– I found my way back to the hospital. I felt more awake, more relaxed, better than I have felt all week. As I walked, my mantra played over and over in me... for everywhere I looked, I could see God. He called to me in the rustling of the leaves overhead. He was in the rays of sunshine that streamed out from the fluffy clouds above. I could smell His goodness in the crisp autumn air. I could feel Him touch my cheek through the cool wind. By recognizing His presence, I could feel more and more release. It felt good. It felt really good. It made me wonder why it is so hard for me to trust in His goodness and give control of each moment of my life to Him. Being human really sucks!
It is some hours later as I recount this. Iron Man is back asleep (today isn't going as well as we had hoped- he is still progressing but there have been some bumps in the recovery road). I am going to post this and then head back outside for yet another release walk. It is a VERY good day, in case you were wondering.
11.05.2013
Phone-A-Shrink
so, if you read my previous post, you would have learned about Meltdown 1.0 and Super Meltdown 2.0. after installing both of these "versions" into one day, i decided that i needed to do something about it. i will be no good to Iron Man (or myself) if i kept installing this emotional software. so i did what every normal person does when she is out of town... get an emergency over-the-phone appointment with her psychologist. duh-huh!
this is where i know God is at work in my life. on any other given day, i would have to make an appointment weeks out. today, she happened to have a cancellation and while she doesn't make appointments by phone a practice, she does understand that sometimes they are a necessity that can't be done any other way. Dr. M is a rock star by every definition and has been instrumental in helping me get through some tough times. after this morning's episodes, i got on the bat phone to her office. that is where God intervened to make sure we could talk.
when Iron Man's mom and sis showed up to hang with him, i made a bee-line to the hotel room. they were kind enough to stay with him while i took a much-needed time out. i got in the suburban and headed towards where i intended to go: target. when i got to a place where i could pull off and not be label a psycho for parking for an extended period of time. i dialed her office and then it began...
it's been some time since we have chatted. i am not in her regular rotation at this time and only talk to her on an as-need basis. she asked how i was doing and i lost it. (that isn't anything new to her). we talked about what has been going on in my life and gave her the down-n-dirty in record time because i wanted to the matter at hand.
i told her about yesterday's hot mess of ugly cries and then today's episodes. while she agreed that i was exhausted and finally letting the stress and pressure of the past couple of months out, there was a familiar pattern emerging... she asked me if i remember the last time i had a series of emotional meltdowns that were this extreme. i had to think about it a bit- i couldn't remember. she said this sounded a lot like something that emerged from a past romantic relationship with a particular soldier, one where i was the care giver in it all day, every day that i was with him. she reminded me of how i spent two years, "fixing" everything in his life: prepare with him for deployment, serve a main contact for things because his parents were a little spacey (even though we were not even engaged). i got involved with the FRG group and was active with wives from his unit while he was away. i moved him into my place when his lease ran out months before he was set to deploy. (ok- you get the picture.) after she ran through my history with the soldier, she asked if i remember how it ended. i paused, took a deep breath and proceeded to sob my way through the answer: "he said that after all of that, he couldn't see us together, that he didn't love me anymore."
there was the ah-ha moment (sorry to use your phrase, Oprah)... i was harboring the anxiety that once Iron Man went through this surgery, was nursed back to health and then recovered, he might tell me "thanks but no thanks." Dr. M asked how my relationship with Iron Man was different than with the soldier. it was easy to list. we spent hours talking about anything and everything. we didn't just live together; we shared a home, a place that was ours. Iron Man and I were building a future together: i wasn't the one doing all of the caring in this one. Iron Man cares for me too: worries about how i am doing, what i am feeling, giving me the space to do things i need to do to be happy, healthy and creative. he encourages me to do things i love and doesn't demand from me. she stopped me. "do you see how this one is different? why are you trying to put an old ending on a new beginning?"
i wish i could have hugged her at that moment! ding ding! i got it! i figured out my problem. Dr. M did add that she wanted me to get some real sleep, to take little breaks throughout the day to walk or get some fresh air, grab a latte or instagram a cool photo from somewhere in this area we are staying this week. little things to keep me fresh and healthy on all levels. again- duh! her other profound advice: talk to Iron Man about this. tell him the honest truth. it won't hurt him and it will help alleviate the worry he has about me. this will also aid in his recovery. so by talking to him, i would be helping him!
we scheduled a follow up time once we are back home and settled in. i thanked her profusely and let her go with a few minutes before her next patient. as i drove to target, i kept pouring over my conversation with her, wondering why i am so insecure, so battered by this sense of abandonment in relationships with me. i know that i have had a history of them but that is just what it is: history.
now, mind you, my trip to target wasn't as productive as it could have been. i nearly forgot what i came there for and made several complete loops of the entire store just to find bananas, carrots, a protein drink, tampons and new t-shirt. when i finally got back to the hospital, Iron Man's mom and sis had to bolt. i felt bad for not spending time visiting with them while they were here, but i also know that, had i not had my session with Dr. M on the phone, the tears would have kept flowing, pit in my stomach growing... basically a non-stop hot mess of ugly cries!
Thanks, Lord, for whoever cancelled their appointment so i could talk to her today. it was exactly what i needed- imagine that?!
this is where i know God is at work in my life. on any other given day, i would have to make an appointment weeks out. today, she happened to have a cancellation and while she doesn't make appointments by phone a practice, she does understand that sometimes they are a necessity that can't be done any other way. Dr. M is a rock star by every definition and has been instrumental in helping me get through some tough times. after this morning's episodes, i got on the bat phone to her office. that is where God intervened to make sure we could talk.
when Iron Man's mom and sis showed up to hang with him, i made a bee-line to the hotel room. they were kind enough to stay with him while i took a much-needed time out. i got in the suburban and headed towards where i intended to go: target. when i got to a place where i could pull off and not be label a psycho for parking for an extended period of time. i dialed her office and then it began...
it's been some time since we have chatted. i am not in her regular rotation at this time and only talk to her on an as-need basis. she asked how i was doing and i lost it. (that isn't anything new to her). we talked about what has been going on in my life and gave her the down-n-dirty in record time because i wanted to the matter at hand.
i told her about yesterday's hot mess of ugly cries and then today's episodes. while she agreed that i was exhausted and finally letting the stress and pressure of the past couple of months out, there was a familiar pattern emerging... she asked me if i remember the last time i had a series of emotional meltdowns that were this extreme. i had to think about it a bit- i couldn't remember. she said this sounded a lot like something that emerged from a past romantic relationship with a particular soldier, one where i was the care giver in it all day, every day that i was with him. she reminded me of how i spent two years, "fixing" everything in his life: prepare with him for deployment, serve a main contact for things because his parents were a little spacey (even though we were not even engaged). i got involved with the FRG group and was active with wives from his unit while he was away. i moved him into my place when his lease ran out months before he was set to deploy. (ok- you get the picture.) after she ran through my history with the soldier, she asked if i remember how it ended. i paused, took a deep breath and proceeded to sob my way through the answer: "he said that after all of that, he couldn't see us together, that he didn't love me anymore."
there was the ah-ha moment (sorry to use your phrase, Oprah)... i was harboring the anxiety that once Iron Man went through this surgery, was nursed back to health and then recovered, he might tell me "thanks but no thanks." Dr. M asked how my relationship with Iron Man was different than with the soldier. it was easy to list. we spent hours talking about anything and everything. we didn't just live together; we shared a home, a place that was ours. Iron Man and I were building a future together: i wasn't the one doing all of the caring in this one. Iron Man cares for me too: worries about how i am doing, what i am feeling, giving me the space to do things i need to do to be happy, healthy and creative. he encourages me to do things i love and doesn't demand from me. she stopped me. "do you see how this one is different? why are you trying to put an old ending on a new beginning?"
i wish i could have hugged her at that moment! ding ding! i got it! i figured out my problem. Dr. M did add that she wanted me to get some real sleep, to take little breaks throughout the day to walk or get some fresh air, grab a latte or instagram a cool photo from somewhere in this area we are staying this week. little things to keep me fresh and healthy on all levels. again- duh! her other profound advice: talk to Iron Man about this. tell him the honest truth. it won't hurt him and it will help alleviate the worry he has about me. this will also aid in his recovery. so by talking to him, i would be helping him!
we scheduled a follow up time once we are back home and settled in. i thanked her profusely and let her go with a few minutes before her next patient. as i drove to target, i kept pouring over my conversation with her, wondering why i am so insecure, so battered by this sense of abandonment in relationships with me. i know that i have had a history of them but that is just what it is: history.
now, mind you, my trip to target wasn't as productive as it could have been. i nearly forgot what i came there for and made several complete loops of the entire store just to find bananas, carrots, a protein drink, tampons and new t-shirt. when i finally got back to the hospital, Iron Man's mom and sis had to bolt. i felt bad for not spending time visiting with them while they were here, but i also know that, had i not had my session with Dr. M on the phone, the tears would have kept flowing, pit in my stomach growing... basically a non-stop hot mess of ugly cries!
Thanks, Lord, for whoever cancelled their appointment so i could talk to her today. it was exactly what i needed- imagine that?!
Tired
i am writing from my makeshift desk in Iron Man's hospital room, trying to keep myself busy while he rests. he underwent spinal fusion surgery yesterday at St. Mary's Hospital-Mayo Clinic. He is doing so well, despite the awful pain. I am in awe of his ability to overcome it and keep pushing forward in his recovery.
i, on the other hand, am probably the bigger mess. while we have know for two months that this was coming and anyone who knows me, knows I was making to-do lists and getting things in order from the time the surgery was scheduled. i am a planner, an organizer by nature... my EC planner helps with that, as well. i make lists even after i have done things just so i can see that i have accomplished something. control freak right here! self-proclaimed and acknowledging it freely!
so, during those two months, i have been getting things set up for this three to six month window of him being down... refining our budget, getting bills in order, doing those last seasonal things before the snow flies. basically just trying to be as prepared as possible. Iron Man is the antithesis of me... procrastinator extraordinaire! And it drives me nuts!! i think i have found more gray hairs in the last two months than I have in the last two years! note to self: make an appointment with your colorist from this makeshift desk today too!
so these last two weeks have been jam packed with last-minute to-do's. he has been pretty much put all of those things that he needed to do and compressed their completion into those fourteen days. that also means that i have been busy too because his projects often become OUR projects (which is ok- we work well together). needless to say, he has been in a lot of pain since he had to be off pain meds three weeks' prior to this procedure, which has made sleeping a challenging, which means that overall he felt like crap (sorry to be so blunt).
i thought i was doing fine until yesterday afternoon, when i went back to the hotel room across the street to freshen up as he was in recovery. that is when it hit... and i fell apart. a hot mess of ugly cries with big tears and lots of sobbing. and i couldn't stop. i kept crying, and sobbing, and blowing my nose in the bull moose call of a blow i have made a trademark for myself. i laid down on the bed, box of kleenex in hand, not caring that i was flooding the decorative bolster with wet spots. i was so tired. tired beyond what i felt after i ran my first 10 mile race. tired beyond the long days of waiting while my grandma slowly left this earth. tired past the point of the emotional exhaustion i felt when my first serious boyfriend (of three years) decided that long distance was going to work for him. it was the kind of tired that begins in your bones, permeating each nerve until you are numb, the world blurry through eyes flowing with salty tears. it is the kind of tired that comes from keeping busy and staying strong so your other half won't worry about you as he prepares for something major.
as amazing i am with how the body can bounce back and heal, i am also astounded by how the body can go into auto-pilot. he asked me to stay in his room with him- we like to be close to each other. i did and requested a recliner instead of a cot to sleep in. i went to the hotel, changed into my cupcake jammie bottoms and ratty college t-shirt, took out my eyes, brushed my buckies and went back across the street to the hospital. praise the Lord that they finally found the right combination of pain meds and muscle relaxers so he was sound asleep upon my return. i was practically asleep standing up so i thought i was going to crash hard. no such luck. because i am crazy in love with this man who happens to hours out of surgery, i slept with one ear open. every time he moved, made a sound, sighed, i woke up. my response? "are you ok? what can i get you?"
by the time the nurse came in at 5:50 am, i was cold, tired and frustrated. i packed up, went back to the hotel and had myself another monumental meltdown. a half box of tissues later and a few loving messages from friends, a 20 minute hot shower with more crying and i actually felt human again! i stood in front of the mirror, with my red-rimmed eyes and told myself that today i was going to be strong for him. i was giving all of this to the Lord, as challenging as it is for me to let go of my life's steering wheel and let God drive the bus of my life. as i said earlier, i am a control freak. this is where i struggle with the Lord. i also struggle with trying to care for someone who is trying to lessen the stress by doing everything himself. so here lies the problem... I am trying to fix him and i cannot. i want to take care of him but he isn't letting me because he is trying to take care of me.
now i sound like a crazy person and am probably making no sense at all. or maybe that extra shot of espresso kicked in and i am typing stream of conscious. either way, i have to pee- and you probably to do too!
i, on the other hand, am probably the bigger mess. while we have know for two months that this was coming and anyone who knows me, knows I was making to-do lists and getting things in order from the time the surgery was scheduled. i am a planner, an organizer by nature... my EC planner helps with that, as well. i make lists even after i have done things just so i can see that i have accomplished something. control freak right here! self-proclaimed and acknowledging it freely!
so, during those two months, i have been getting things set up for this three to six month window of him being down... refining our budget, getting bills in order, doing those last seasonal things before the snow flies. basically just trying to be as prepared as possible. Iron Man is the antithesis of me... procrastinator extraordinaire! And it drives me nuts!! i think i have found more gray hairs in the last two months than I have in the last two years! note to self: make an appointment with your colorist from this makeshift desk today too!
so these last two weeks have been jam packed with last-minute to-do's. he has been pretty much put all of those things that he needed to do and compressed their completion into those fourteen days. that also means that i have been busy too because his projects often become OUR projects (which is ok- we work well together). needless to say, he has been in a lot of pain since he had to be off pain meds three weeks' prior to this procedure, which has made sleeping a challenging, which means that overall he felt like crap (sorry to be so blunt).
i thought i was doing fine until yesterday afternoon, when i went back to the hotel room across the street to freshen up as he was in recovery. that is when it hit... and i fell apart. a hot mess of ugly cries with big tears and lots of sobbing. and i couldn't stop. i kept crying, and sobbing, and blowing my nose in the bull moose call of a blow i have made a trademark for myself. i laid down on the bed, box of kleenex in hand, not caring that i was flooding the decorative bolster with wet spots. i was so tired. tired beyond what i felt after i ran my first 10 mile race. tired beyond the long days of waiting while my grandma slowly left this earth. tired past the point of the emotional exhaustion i felt when my first serious boyfriend (of three years) decided that long distance was going to work for him. it was the kind of tired that begins in your bones, permeating each nerve until you are numb, the world blurry through eyes flowing with salty tears. it is the kind of tired that comes from keeping busy and staying strong so your other half won't worry about you as he prepares for something major.
as amazing i am with how the body can bounce back and heal, i am also astounded by how the body can go into auto-pilot. he asked me to stay in his room with him- we like to be close to each other. i did and requested a recliner instead of a cot to sleep in. i went to the hotel, changed into my cupcake jammie bottoms and ratty college t-shirt, took out my eyes, brushed my buckies and went back across the street to the hospital. praise the Lord that they finally found the right combination of pain meds and muscle relaxers so he was sound asleep upon my return. i was practically asleep standing up so i thought i was going to crash hard. no such luck. because i am crazy in love with this man who happens to hours out of surgery, i slept with one ear open. every time he moved, made a sound, sighed, i woke up. my response? "are you ok? what can i get you?"
by the time the nurse came in at 5:50 am, i was cold, tired and frustrated. i packed up, went back to the hotel and had myself another monumental meltdown. a half box of tissues later and a few loving messages from friends, a 20 minute hot shower with more crying and i actually felt human again! i stood in front of the mirror, with my red-rimmed eyes and told myself that today i was going to be strong for him. i was giving all of this to the Lord, as challenging as it is for me to let go of my life's steering wheel and let God drive the bus of my life. as i said earlier, i am a control freak. this is where i struggle with the Lord. i also struggle with trying to care for someone who is trying to lessen the stress by doing everything himself. so here lies the problem... I am trying to fix him and i cannot. i want to take care of him but he isn't letting me because he is trying to take care of me.
now i sound like a crazy person and am probably making no sense at all. or maybe that extra shot of espresso kicked in and i am typing stream of conscious. either way, i have to pee- and you probably to do too!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)