so, if you read my previous post, you would have learned about Meltdown 1.0 and Super Meltdown 2.0. after installing both of these "versions" into one day, i decided that i needed to do something about it. i will be no good to Iron Man (or myself) if i kept installing this emotional software. so i did what every normal person does when she is out of town... get an emergency over-the-phone appointment with her psychologist. duh-huh!
this is where i know God is at work in my life. on any other given day, i would have to make an appointment weeks out. today, she happened to have a cancellation and while she doesn't make appointments by phone a practice, she does understand that sometimes they are a necessity that can't be done any other way. Dr. M is a rock star by every definition and has been instrumental in helping me get through some tough times. after this morning's episodes, i got on the bat phone to her office. that is where God intervened to make sure we could talk.
when Iron Man's mom and sis showed up to hang with him, i made a bee-line to the hotel room. they were kind enough to stay with him while i took a much-needed time out. i got in the suburban and headed towards where i intended to go: target. when i got to a place where i could pull off and not be label a psycho for parking for an extended period of time. i dialed her office and then it began...
it's been some time since we have chatted. i am not in her regular rotation at this time and only talk to her on an as-need basis. she asked how i was doing and i lost it. (that isn't anything new to her). we talked about what has been going on in my life and gave her the down-n-dirty in record time because i wanted to the matter at hand.
i told her about yesterday's hot mess of ugly cries and then today's episodes. while she agreed that i was exhausted and finally letting the stress and pressure of the past couple of months out, there was a familiar pattern emerging... she asked me if i remember the last time i had a series of emotional meltdowns that were this extreme. i had to think about it a bit- i couldn't remember. she said this sounded a lot like something that emerged from a past romantic relationship with a particular soldier, one where i was the care giver in it all day, every day that i was with him. she reminded me of how i spent two years, "fixing" everything in his life: prepare with him for deployment, serve a main contact for things because his parents were a little spacey (even though we were not even engaged). i got involved with the FRG group and was active with wives from his unit while he was away. i moved him into my place when his lease ran out months before he was set to deploy. (ok- you get the picture.) after she ran through my history with the soldier, she asked if i remember how it ended. i paused, took a deep breath and proceeded to sob my way through the answer: "he said that after all of that, he couldn't see us together, that he didn't love me anymore."
there was the ah-ha moment (sorry to use your phrase, Oprah)... i was harboring the anxiety that once Iron Man went through this surgery, was nursed back to health and then recovered, he might tell me "thanks but no thanks." Dr. M asked how my relationship with Iron Man was different than with the soldier. it was easy to list. we spent hours talking about anything and everything. we didn't just live together; we shared a home, a place that was ours. Iron Man and I were building a future together: i wasn't the one doing all of the caring in this one. Iron Man cares for me too: worries about how i am doing, what i am feeling, giving me the space to do things i need to do to be happy, healthy and creative. he encourages me to do things i love and doesn't demand from me. she stopped me. "do you see how this one is different? why are you trying to put an old ending on a new beginning?"
i wish i could have hugged her at that moment! ding ding! i got it! i figured out my problem. Dr. M did add that she wanted me to get some real sleep, to take little breaks throughout the day to walk or get some fresh air, grab a latte or instagram a cool photo from somewhere in this area we are staying this week. little things to keep me fresh and healthy on all levels. again- duh! her other profound advice: talk to Iron Man about this. tell him the honest truth. it won't hurt him and it will help alleviate the worry he has about me. this will also aid in his recovery. so by talking to him, i would be helping him!
we scheduled a follow up time once we are back home and settled in. i thanked her profusely and let her go with a few minutes before her next patient. as i drove to target, i kept pouring over my conversation with her, wondering why i am so insecure, so battered by this sense of abandonment in relationships with me. i know that i have had a history of them but that is just what it is: history.
now, mind you, my trip to target wasn't as productive as it could have been. i nearly forgot what i came there for and made several complete loops of the entire store just to find bananas, carrots, a protein drink, tampons and new t-shirt. when i finally got back to the hospital, Iron Man's mom and sis had to bolt. i felt bad for not spending time visiting with them while they were here, but i also know that, had i not had my session with Dr. M on the phone, the tears would have kept flowing, pit in my stomach growing... basically a non-stop hot mess of ugly cries!
Thanks, Lord, for whoever cancelled their appointment so i could talk to her today. it was exactly what i needed- imagine that?!
No comments:
Post a Comment