Missing him

I drove back home last night, later than I probably should. I didn't want to pay to toss and turn in a hotel bed. I wouldn't get more than a couple of winks if I planted myself in the hospital recliner. I really couldn't do much to make Iron Man feel any better. There were plenty of nurses who could do far more for him than I could at this point. So, I kissed him good night, held onto his hand a little longer than I should have and broke away to drive northward.

I was happy at the thought of sleeping in my own bed. I like our bed. It is big, comfortable, warm and snuggly. There is something about being under your own blankets with your head on that familiar squishy pillow that makes for a good night's sleep. I did the minimum bedtime prep just so I could lie down sooner. The thought of it all was pure bliss... the reality of it was that I missed HIM. I could smell his shampoo on his pillow. The scent of his cologne was tangled with the sheets. When I rolled over to face the middle of the bed, he wasn't there. He wasn't going to be there to hold me as we fell asleep. He wasn't going to be the first thing I saw when my eyes opened in the morning.

Now, you are probably waiting for Super Meltdown 3.0 to erupt but surprisingly, it didn't. I took a few long, deep breaths. I repeated, "Lord, I am giving you control of this moment. Thank you for blessing my life with him." There was a calmness that came over my anxious heart. It was like the Lord wrapped His arms around me as I settled down to sleep. He was comforting me as I realized Rich's absence. He took control of that moment... and the moments to follow as I finally slept.

I wish I could report that I slept solid until my alarm went off but that wasn't the case. I got some rest and I did feel better when I got up. I felt strange being in our house but it was also a comfort to be surrounded by the familiar. I missed HIM, though. That is what makes our house a home- the presence of the people we love. Our house is happier when it is filled with the laughter, the joking around, the soft sounds he makes as he moves from room to room. Those brushes of each other's shoulders when we pass in the hallway. The call of my name from a distant room when something is needed.

This experience has been and will continue to be a teaching one, an opportunity for growth.  The lessons I am learning through this surgery and recovery are serving as strengtheners for our relationship as well as my personal relationship with my Lord. As I watched Iron Man sleep earlier today, I felt my heart expanding with love for him. I don't think I understood that you can fall in love with someone over and over again. I understand now. And I am ever so thankful that the Lord knew how much I needed him.