After the past two extremely emotional days, I woke up in my hotel room after struggling to sleep through the night. Despite only a few fitful hours of sleep, I did feel considerably better. I woke up to a couple of inspiring, encouraging messages from dearly loved people (they know who they are). I cried a couple of happy tears as I read those, realizing how blessed I am to be surrounded by people who love me like that.
Those messages came with some good advice. I ruminated on those words as I sat with my morning cup of hotel coffee. Today is another day, a new day to begin fresh. Choices I make early on during these 24 hours can make it a good day or a bad day. I decided I wanted today to be a good one, a good one for me and a good one for Iron Man. I acknowledge that I am having a control problem- that is, I am trying to control how my life goes rather than having faith and giving that control over to the Lord. My mantra for today: Lord, I give you control of this moment. I figured why not start with baby steps? Iron Man is doing it in his recovery. It is just as applicable to my own recovery too. A moment to some might be considered small potatoes in the grand scheme of time but it can make a lifetime of difference as well.
After grabbing hold of my large skim almond latte and slice of pumpkin bread, I took the brisk walk to the hospital. I found myself repeating my mantra over and over, with a sense of release each time. I felt a moment of peace, of calm to my trembling heart. By giving my fears, anxieties, burdens over to the Lord, I was releasing myself from the yolk of these heart-heavy burdens.
Iron Man had a tough night (which I felt guilty for not being here with him but also realizing that the nurses are paid professionals that are there to care for him- my turn to care for him will come once we leave this place). We chatted while he ate some breakfast and when he fell back asleep, I hit the pavement. I decided that some fresh air, sunshine and exercise were what I needed. I put on my iPod and began to walk... and walk... and walk. No specific route, no intended destination. Deep breaths of crisp autumn air into my lungs and releasing all sorts of things as I breathed out. An hour later– and nearly 3 miles– I found my way back to the hospital. I felt more awake, more relaxed, better than I have felt all week. As I walked, my mantra played over and over in me... for everywhere I looked, I could see God. He called to me in the rustling of the leaves overhead. He was in the rays of sunshine that streamed out from the fluffy clouds above. I could smell His goodness in the crisp autumn air. I could feel Him touch my cheek through the cool wind. By recognizing His presence, I could feel more and more release. It felt good. It felt really good. It made me wonder why it is so hard for me to trust in His goodness and give control of each moment of my life to Him. Being human really sucks!
It is some hours later as I recount this. Iron Man is back asleep (today isn't going as well as we had hoped- he is still progressing but there have been some bumps in the recovery road). I am going to post this and then head back outside for yet another release walk. It is a VERY good day, in case you were wondering.
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